A few Paddy & Mick Jokes


Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he’d like a drink.

He replied in disgust ‘I’d rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!’

Paddy handed his drink back & said ‘Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice!’

Paddy calls Easy jet to book a flight. The operator asks ‘How many people are flying with you?’

Paddy replies ‘I don’t know! Its your f***ing plane!!’

Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy ‘I’m gonna have the day off, I’m gonna pretend I’m mad!’

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts ‘I’M A LIGHTBULB! I’M A LIGHTBULB!’ Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts ‘Paddy you’re mad, go home’ So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

‘Where the hell are you going?’ asks the Foreman.

'I cant work in the friggin dark! ’ says Murphy.

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says ‘I wonder how the girls are getting on’

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spread-eagled & says ‘You know what I want don’t you?’

‘Yeah,’ says Paddy. ‘The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!’

Q. What’s a Catholic priest & a pint of Guinness got in common?

A. black coat, white collar & you’ve got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

Paddy’s chat up lines:

  1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
  2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
  3. My love for you is like diarrohea. I just cant hold it in!
  4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
  5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Ever time I think of you my nuts tighten up!
  6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!

Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says ‘To hell with this!’ & storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks ‘What did you do?’

Paddy replies ‘I’ve put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!’

An Irishman is shagging a Jewish girl & says ‘You’re not very tight for a Jew!’

She says ‘Well you’re not very thick for a Paddy!’

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. ‘Be Jeysus!’ he said, ‘I didn’t even know they had mobile phones!’

Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say ‘Crikey! There’s a bloke here who was 152!’

Paddy says ‘What’s his name?’

Mick replies ‘Miles from London!’

An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past & stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts ‘Its thick cts like you that give us Irish a bad name! I’d come over there & kick the fk out of you if I could swim!’