1.Two guys walked into a bar… You’d think one of them would have seen it
2.Q: What’s the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A: A bad golfer goes, WHACK! “Damn.”
A bad skydiver goes, “Damn.” WHACK!
3.Q: How do you get holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it.
4.Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A: Right where you left him.
5.Q: How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
A: Somebody’s gonna lose a trailer.
6.An Asian man was trying to exchange yen for dollars
and asks the American bank teller, “Why it change?”
“Yestoday, I get two hunat dollah fo yen.
Today, I only get hunat eighty?”
The bank teller says, “Fluctuations.”
The Asian man says, “Fluc you white guys too!”
7.A little girl: was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher:
said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because
even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The
little girl: stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was physically impossible. The little girl: said, “When I get
to heaven I will ask Jonah”.
The teacher: asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl:
replied, “Then you ask him”.
8.The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up
and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a
doctor.’
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there’s the
teacher, She’s dead. "
9.A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to
make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head,
the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the
face…”=20
“Yes,” the class said. “Then why is it that while I am standing upright
in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?” A little
fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”
10.The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God
is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a
large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take
all you want. God is watching the apples.”
11.Becky and Sally Ann were doing some carpenter work on a house. Becky who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either use it or throw it over her shoulder.
Sally Ann, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, “Why are you throwing those nails away?”.
Becky explained, “When I pull out a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end, so I throw them away”.
Sally Ann got completely upset and yelled, “You moron! Those nails aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house!”.
12.A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ‘‘If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I’d be a little bull.’’
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ‘‘If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.’’
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ‘‘What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!’’
The kid smiles and says, ‘‘I would be a bus driver!’’
13.A couple were going out for the evening. They’d gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don’t want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:"He’s just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
“Sorry I took so long” he says. “Stupid filtered was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her filtered downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not filtered in the vegetable garden again either!”
and why does it keep saying i haven posted yet?
