Blonde Hair Cut
A blonde is roller-skating down the board-walk one day. She’s just skating along in her lycra shorts, smiling at everyone, listening to her Walkman. She decides that she really needs a haircut.
She skates into the first salon she sees and goes up to the hairdresser and says, “I need a haircut.”
The hairdresser checks her out and says, “OK, sit down and take off your headphones.”
“No way!” shouts the blonde, “If I take off my headphones, I’ll die!”
“Then I can’t give you a haircut,” replies the hairdresser.
So the blonde gets up and leaves and skates further down the board- walk. She sees another salon, goes in, and says to the hairdresser, “I need a haircut… but you can’t take off my headphones or I’ll die!”
The hairdresser looks at her a little weird, but says, “OK, no problem. Have a seat.” So the blonde sits down and the hairdresser comes up behind her, and when she isn’t looking, he rips the headphones off her head.
Suddenly the blonde starts choking, and soon turns blue in the face, then keels over and dies right there in the salon chair. The hairdresser is a little freaked by this. He leans over and cautiously listens into the blonde’s headphones and he hears…
“Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out…”
As Mr. Smith Was On His Deathbed…
As Mr. Smith was on his deathbed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.
He called for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, “I’m going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me.”
All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said “I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin.”
The physician then said, “Well, since we’re confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn’t put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn’t afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that.”
The lawyer then said, “I’m ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal cheque for the full $30,000.”
The Blonde And The Doctor
When the surgeon came to see his blonde patient on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life.
“Uh, I hadn’t really thought about it” replied the stunned surgeon. “You’re the first one ever to ask that after a tonsillectomy.”
Raisin Bread
A general store owner hired a young female clerk with a penchant for wearing very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man entered the store, glanced at the clerk, and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread he had a brilliant idea. “I’d like some raisin bread, please,” the man said politely. The clerk nodded and climbed up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, was provided with an excellent view, just as he had surmised he would be.
When she descended the ladder he muses that he really should get 2 loaves, as he was having company for dinner.
As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers noticed what was going on. Thinking quickly, he quickly requested his own loaf of raisin bread so that he could continue to enjoy the view.
With each trip up the ladder the young lady seemed to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each person was asking for raisin bread, just to see the the clerk climb up and down. After a few trips the clerk was tired and irritated and thinking that she was really going to have to try this raisin bread for herself.
Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stopped and fumed, glaring at the men standing below. She noticed an elderly man standing amongst the throng staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip she yelled, “Is yours raisin too?”
“No,” croaked the feeble old man… "But it’s startin’ to twitch.
Chilli
A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, “What’s the special of the day?”
“Chili,” she says, “But the gentleman next to you got the last bowl.”
The man says he’ll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten. "“Are you going to eat your chili?” he asked.
“No, help yourself,” replied his neighboru. The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl.
“Yeah, that’s as far as I got, too,” said the man sitting next to him.
Blonde story to end all blonde stories
A True Story…
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, a blonde (of course), new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t get her brand new 22-ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn’t get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.
He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. (wait for it…REMEMBER, this is TRUE.)
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place was:
THE TRAILER.
Revenge
This guy went to the zoo one day. While he was standing in front of the gorilla’s enclosure, the wind gusted and he got some grit in his eye. As he pulled his eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.
When the guy came to his senses, the zookeeper was anxiously bending over him, and as soon as he was able to talk, he explained what had happened. The zookeeper nodded and explained that in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid means “*@#$! you”. The explanation didn’t make the gorilla’s victim feel any better and he vowed revenge.
The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla’s cage, into which he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn. Knowing that the big apes were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, and looked at the hat, and put it on. Next he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his horn and did the same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it neatly in two.
The gorilla looked at the knife in his cage, looked at his own crotch, and pulled down his eyelid.
The Barber Shop
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?”
“No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”
