FOOD SPOILAGE TABLE:
THE GAG TEST Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
EGGS When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can’t get any more spoiled than it is already.
MAYONNAISE If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise was off.
FROZEN FOODS Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
EXPIRATION DATES This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you’ll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you’d benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.
MEAT If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.
BREAD Seseme seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable “spots” that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
LETTUCE Lettuce is spoiled when you can’t get it off the bottom of the vegetable compartment without using a spoon.
CANNED GOODS Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a cricket ball should be disposed of. Carefully.
CARROTS A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
RAISINS Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
WINE It should not taste like salad dressing.
POTATOES Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
CHIP DIP If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
EMPTY CONTAINERS Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you have a wife or a maid.
UNMARKED ITEMS: Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not fart when you open them.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.
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