Son: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school. They’re fascinating.”
Dad: “That’s good son because, as a dyslexic East End boy, you’re bound to end
up in one.”
Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few
days later the doctor phones and says, “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar
Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned
myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD.
Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that’s when it all
Little boy gets home from school and says, “Dad, I’ve got a part in the
school play as a man who’s been married for 25 years.”
His Dad replies, “Never mind son. Maybe next time you’ll get a speaking
Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says, “Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too.”
Mick agrees, “I’m ordering one right now”
Three weeks later Paddy says to Mick, “Has your woman turned up yet?”
“No,” said Mick, “but it shouldn’t be long now though. Her clothes arrived
A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks “I know you are
busy but do you treat dwarves?”
The doctor replies “Yes, but you will have to be a little patient.”
In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: “I’ve blown the
head gasket on my 1997 XR3i” rather than “I’ve just buggered a 14 year old
The police still haven’t seen the funny side, my lap top’s been confiscated,
and the wife has gone off to her mother.
And now some Yorkshire news:
Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried
out in Yorkshire nightclubs. Apparently, Yorkshire club-goers have started
injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth. Police say the dangerous
practice is called “E by gum.”
A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: “Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat.”
Vet: “Is it a tom?”
Yorkshireman: “Nay, I’ve browt it with us.”
A Yorkshireman’s dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a
gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: “Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?”
Jeweller: “Aye. Do you want it 18 carat?”
Yorkshireman: “No I want it chewin’ a bone, yer daft bugger!”
The last is always best:
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist, “Nah then lad, does tha sell
Chemist replies “Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?”