I’m Getting Better
Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn’t bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. “By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I’m gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand.”
“So”, says the second drunk, “What’s your point?”
“Well”, says the first, “I’m just wondering how much stronger I’m gonna get?”
How To Make Rubber Gloves
A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady’s teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves…
“Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?” She said, “No.”
“Well”, he spoofed, “down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big ‘Finished Goods Crate’ and start the process all over again.”
And she didn’t laugh a bit!!!
Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing. The old woman blushed and exclaimed,
“I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!”
The Tunnel
There’s an Indian, Pakistani and a beautiful girl sitting next to each other, girl in the middle, in a train. The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!
The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and the Pakistani are sitting there looking perplexed. The Indian is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.
The Indian is thinking “Damn it, that Pakistani must have tried to kiss the girl, she thought it was me and slapped me.”
The girl is thinking, “That Indian must have moved to kiss me, and kissed the Pakistani instead and got slapped.”
The Pakistani is thinking, "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Indian again.
The Three Germs
A young couple were married and they were having sex all the time during their honeymoon. When the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule.
So every day the husband would get home at 5 o’clock, and every day they would go to bed at 5:15. In the door at 5, in the sack at 5:15. This went on for months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot.
The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three. These three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans. One germ said, “I am going to hide between two toes on her left foot. I don’t think the antibiotics will find me there”.
A second exclaimed, “I am going to hide behind her right ear. I don’t think they’ll find me there.”
The last germ said, “I don’t know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out tonight, I’m gonna be on it!”
The Red Sticky Ball
The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor:
“As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, “I’m a Sperm.” She will answer, “I’m the Egg.” From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?”
The sperm nodded affirmatively and the instructor said, “Then, good luck!”
Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He wakes up immediately and runs to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm. He is able to swim at a slower pace but does approach the red, sticky ball.
When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says, “Hi, I’m a sperm.”
The red sticky ball smiles and says, “Hi. I’m a tonsil.”